so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
