why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
