Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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