why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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