dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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