i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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