I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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