My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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