I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
