what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
