Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize