I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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