forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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