Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize