Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize