He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
