Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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