So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
