why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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