his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't deserve a penis
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
