I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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