There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
