I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
