someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
