i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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