i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize