I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
