I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
