I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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