Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
