Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
