When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
