Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
