I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
