I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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