Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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