Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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