pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
