After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
