I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
