She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
