Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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