you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
