is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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