I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Drunk is not a location!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize