i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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