I need to stop coming to work sober
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
