I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
