Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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