My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
