So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
