She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
