I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
zippers are such a cool invention
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
