It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
