My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
