All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Randomize
