theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Even my vagina gasped.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
